There's hope deep inside.

I’m starting to work out again, and it feels so great. Well the working out part sucks, but the feeling after is great. I kinda of let myself go a little. I mean I know some people think i’m skinny and i don’t need it, but i hold myself to higher standards. I could look better and i plan on doing so.

track 2013, here we go. 

If there’s anyone in this world that I never want to be like, it’s my mother.

My mom just lost her job, again. Now we’re going to be stuck. I just had to loan her 150 dollars to help pay the bill she couldn’t pay, again. My mom has thrown her life away by doing absolutely nothing. Look at us mom, are you honestly proud? I have to do good in school to make sure I end up nothing like you.

You’re disrespectful, arrogant, selfish, stupid, and annoying. You think you’re so much better than me or Alyssa; but you’re not.

Here I am, sitting in an empty house while you’re out partying. It’s Sunday night, you shouldn’t be partying. You should be getting rest for a day of interviews for tomorrow. But hey, you have no interviews. You haven’t even looked at any jobs yet. But you sit and complain about how poor we are.

Now that I don’t work anymore, i’m going to have a lot of time to myself. I’m not sure how i feel about that, it could be incredibly bad or great.

I am the definition of being friendzoned. Well jake pretty much likes Sammy. Derek and I still talk but every now and then. Lastnight was the basketball game at North and i just really wanted to hold him. I can’t stand not being something..so i texted him. I guess we’re going to hangout next friday at his house, but who knows if that is actually going to work out. 

After the game a bunch of people went to Denny’s. That two hours just reassured me how incredible high school is and how you can’t trust anyone. They all just sat and gossiped about everyone and everything. It kinda made me feel better that other people are just the same as i(the fact that we have insecurities and problems). 

But then it also makes you realize who really has your back, and who’s talking about you and what they’re saying. 

I think i’m ok. I want to be happy and free, but I have this weight on me that pulls me down to this terrible feeling. It’s almost like I was meant to be unhappy and alone.

Deprivation.

Deprived of sex, romance, love, passion, and intimacy.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve been avoiding this post.

Most of the time I feel like I’m lost; that nothing is going right. Some days are good, while others are bad. Here are some of the things that have been going on:

I failed basically all my exams, well like 2 or 3. But they didn’t have much of an impact on my grades. I feel like I’m just becoming very lazy with my schoolwork. But I need to stop that.

My love life isn’t really going anywhere. Things with Derek haven’t anything nice. I don’t try anymore because what’s the point? Austin and I hungout on Monday. We had sex and watched Ted. I’m so disappointed in myself. Next time there will be no sex. I thought maybe I Jake and I could be a thing, but turns out he likes sammy.

I got accepted into Madison. There was no feeling greater than seeing “Congratulations! You’ve been accepted into UW-Madison”. As soon as I saw that…my eyes just started tearing up. I can’t believe it. I did it. I have a full ride pretty much. All I have to pay for is rooming but since I’m applying to financial aid, I won’t have to pay much at all.

Thursday is my last day at work. I’m actually really excited. Now I can focus on school and getting ready for track.

I have almost 900 dollars in the bank.

I’m sick…again.

I’m so sexually deprived. I’m looking for romance and love.

I mean is it weird that i really want to smoke weed and have sex. I’ve never smoked before and i’m actually really curious to try..

that is all. 

I think that maybe if i could convince everyone else that i’m ok, i could convince myself also.

What the fuck.

Yesterday was the multiple choice exam for ap psych..pretty easy.

Today was part 2 and 3 of my honors pre calc exam, then right after was the free response for ap psych.

i don’t know why God is punishing me.

I finished my first essay early; feel pretty confident about that one. Looked at the next essay; fuck. I honestly tried as best as i could. I missed 4 words though. Four damn words. I don’t even remember learning about those either. So as i’m looking through my notes after i hand in my tests, someone whispers to me and asks me what one of the words were. I had no clue what she was talking about because i didn’t have that word on my test. 

what did i do?

Suddenly another girl exclaims that my test was different. I went over and compared mine and the others. My test was completely different than the others. How? why? My teacher accidently gave me the wrong test. I was honestly in shock. I examined the words from the other tests and realized that i knew every single word but one. One. I told my teacher that one was easier and i would get a better score if i would’ve gotten the right test. But no, he smiled and explained the one i had was just as easy. 

I had tears forming in my eyes as i realized that my grade for my final exam was ruined. Fucking ruined. I’m so upset i can’t even deal with this. It’s not fair. What did i do?

I’m not happy.

I don’t like where things are right now. My mind isn’t in a good place.

I’m not happy with my body.
I’m most definitely not happy with my job.
I’m not happy at my work ethics for school. I should be better than this
I’m not happy with my love life.

I feel so alone. I just want someone to care for me. For once. Someone that actually cares for me and wants to be with me. Why is that so hard to find?

Still sick. Work at 10:45 until 2:45

This week was hard. I was just so sick and tired. All these exams are coming and I’m not preparing for anything. This is going to suck later.

Yesterday maddie and I drove to Mayfair to go to Hollywood threads, but it wasn’t there. So we went to noodles and ate. Then we went to the game against west. It was so great going to west and not have to worry about everything talking shit about me for once. Afterwards, we went to orange leaf, maddie’s, then met up with Nicole and Victoria. We wanted to fuck shit up….so we went tping. We’re so lame.

Derek and I didn’t hang out.

Today is my bestfriends birthday so it’s going to be funnnn.

I don’t understand why I still try with you. We had that one night and then now you’re being like this. You just smile at me in the halls. No, not even a smile, it’s a ”I’ll slant my lips to make it look like I’m smiling just so you won’t think I’m completely ignoring you”. Ok.